"She's having the tantrum you want to have." This is the response of a grief specialist to parents who are trying to understand their preschooler's erratic behavior after a late-term miscarriage. A death that they were grieving and coming to terms with as well as learning how to talk about with their living child.
This story is part an essay about children and grief in the book When Kids Ask Hard Questions: Faith Filled Answers for Tough Topics.* I've been dipping in and out of this book for awhile, on topics ranging from bodies to money to race to relationships and a lot of ground in between. I haven't finished it yet but the section on loss just seemed like the right thing to read after a long day and wakeful night. A day and night after which I felt deeply the opening phrase. Cause, yeah, I sure feel like hitting and screaming and I've done my share of crying.
There have been many times in the past couple of months (we're coming up on months already!) when I have watched my child melt down, and wanted to respond with empathy but could only offer my version of the tantrum which is to snap, or yell or issue an ultimatum. And there have been times when I have been able to hold him and listen and take deep breaths together and move through it. I can see how little control he has over anything - even less than usual - and how small his world has become. He's grieving. We all are.
"She's having the temper tantrum you want to have," we both took deep breaths. She was so right, and we had missed it. Through her clinginess, outbursts, tears and emotion our daughter was exposing the emotional instability within out entire family. We all wanted to scream, we each needed to hold tight to one another in the middle of the night, and we - individually and collectively - felt compelled to cry out to anyone who would listen that life simply was not fair."
The authors of the essays in this book are about the loss of people in their lives. Loss of a parent or spouse is a traumatic event for a family and it's not like what we're experiencing in this time of pandemic. But we are experiencing loss: loss of friends, loss of activities we love, loss of control, expectation and hope. And even if our children aren't feeling all those losses for themselves, they certainly can sense their parents and other adult's grief and anxiety.
Even though these essays were about grieving the loss of persons, there were a few pearls I found helpful. Top of the heap was, it's okay to show your kids that you're grieving and to talk about why. And the companion to this is to make sure you're taking care of yourself and your own emotions, have someone to talk to and process your own feelings. That processing (not with your child!) might also help give you the language that will develop your child's vocabulary of emotions, which both they and you need to be able to communicate what you're feeling.
There are probably scores of books out there that deal with kids and loss - I actually have several picture books on my shelf - but I found it helpful the specifically faith-oriented way that I was continually reassured of that God's love endures. That God too grieves with us. That faith doesn't demand that we put on a happy face. Thank God!
Parents, friends to children, you're doing a great job! Even when you feel like you're not. This is a hard thing that we're doing. Keep breathing and know your belovedness, your children's belovedness. We're in it together somehow.
--
* Handily, when I went to the link above for the book, I found out it's currently on sale. Just sayin' :)
No comments:
Post a Comment